


Powerless

by mikeywaypt2



Category: My Chemical Romance, Waterparks (Band)
Genre: AA meetings, Alcoholism, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:08:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22303120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mikeywaypt2/pseuds/mikeywaypt2
Summary: "The first drink wasn't a mistake. As much as Awsten struggled with his thought processes lately he felt that he had to remind himself of that. "Awsten ends up drinking on the Fandom tour and it's a quick descent into not recognizing his own reflection anymore. He tries to find himself again with some help from his friends.
Relationships: Awsten Knight/Geoff Wigington
Kudos: 12





	Powerless

**Author's Note:**

> I know I have another fic that needs to be updated, but, I'm 16 , months sober and started thinking again about hoe Awsten doesn't drink. It was super cool to me as an aspiring musician when I first got sober. Mikey Way also had a huge impact on me. So here, have a fic about Awsten getting sober. I don't have an outline beyond that and this being a gawsten fic so we'll see what happens!

The first drink wasn't a mistake. As much as Awsten struggled with his thought processes lately he felt that he had to remind himself of that. Sure, he knew that he had an addictive personality. HE knew how he got obsessive and built things up too big, he got attached at unhealthy levels and he went overboard and flew off the handle and -- And there he was again with his obsessive thinking and desperate grappling for control when there was absolutely nothing he ould do or grasp on to in order to right the world and himself and everything around him and maybe possibly decrease the volume levels of everything on earth and inside of himself for just a few seconds. 

Most people drank at some point. Most people drank heavily at some point and got sloppy and stupid and then they were okay and they didn't do it for a bit. They could flip the switch back down into the off position until they were ready to party again. Drinking was fairly normal and there was absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to feel normal. But Awsten wasn't most people.

Fuck, Awsten couldn't even say his descent into hell had been slow or steady. After the first drink the switch was stuck in the on position. 

The Fandom tour had been terrible. He was still broken up over the death of a relationship he'd thought would be forever. He felt like he'd been stabbed in the back and his lungs were collapsing over and over again. He wrote an album and it didn't help. He cried on his friends' shoulders in the studio and after their sets in venues around the country and that didn't help. It didn't make the tears slow or stop. It didn't make sleep come. He felt more than dead and a half, he felt dead several times over and he sure as hell wasn't laughing anymore. 

So that first drink made sense. He was wide awake on the swaying bus while everyone else slept. He wanted to open the door and just step out into the high way. He wanted to stop breathing for real instead of just feeling like he couldn't when the panic attacks hit. 

He didn't get it. He couldn't wrap himself around what made him so easy to leave. So easy to hurt. Grace had left him and gone straight into the arms of his best friend. He'd gotten less angry about it, but it still wasn't easy to see her with Otto and wonder how things might be different if she were still with him. And then Ciara happened. Except she didn't have the decency to even leave him and spare his dignity. No, she hopped into whatever bed suited her mood and he pretended as long as he could until he was left there wounded and looking stupid and it had to end. 

He'd planned to marry her. He'd planned for her to be the one he spent the rest of this life and whatever next one may exist with. Now he was playing out his heartbreak for screaming teenage fans who cried on the internet about how they understood when they were too young and didn't have the first clue. Now he was awake and alone and suffocating. When he'd gone to the fridge he'd only intended to get his orange juice, but instead the beers lining the back of the top shelf caught his eye. 

It was like he was moving on autopilot. He grabbed a can and took it back to his bunk, just gripping it between both hands. He didn't have to. He could put it back. He could try crying himself to sleep again. But he didn't. He opened it as quietly as he could, took a deep breath, and took a sip. 

It wasn't as bad as he expected. The smell was actually worse than the taste, if you asked him. So he took another sip and another and soon enough he was starting to relax and soon after that the can was gone and he was grabbing another. A third, a fourth, a whole six pack gone before he was heavily buzzed and trying to hide the evidence before falling into a heavy and dreamless sleep. 

And it truly was all downhill from there. It was Awsten sneaking around to buy heavier liquor and then sneaking more to drink it. It was missing call times and entire sets and being the biggest ass. It was screaming and tantrums and conflicts and interventions until the tour was called off early with some bogus excuse and he was whisked back to LA. 

Geoff had moved in with him before the tour started. He and Chloe had broken up and he had called Awsten and the pair agreed that it would be nice for Rory to be closer to her godfather and they'd all moved in together. When they came back from tour Geoff took Rory to stay with his dad for a few weeks, so he could focus on Awsten. There had been a lot more screaming then. Geoff thought he should go to rehab, he refused. 

At some point the guitarist must have reached out to Mikey Way because the bassist showed up at their place out of the blue. It took all of three seconds for the green haired man to figure out why the other was there. He knew Mikey's story- it had come up at some point during Warped, when they were talking about why Awsten didn't drink. There had been a long, uncomfortable silence on the couch until Mikey finally talked, telling Awsten that his friends were concerned and that it would benefit everyone if he at least tried one AA meeting or something. Awsten had agreed begrudgingly and took down the information that Mikey gave him. 

And now here he was a few days later, staring up at some random church from the passenger seat of Geoff's car. "Please, don't make me," he mumbled for what felt like the millionth time. He didn't look at Geoff. Didn't want to see the other's pained yet patient expression that would make him do whatever was asked of him. 

"Awsten," Geoff started from the driver's seat, voice exhausted but caring and gentle as always. "Come on. Just one. We talked about this." 

Awsten let his gaze drift to his friend and felt his resistance crumble. He heaved a heavy sigh and nodded once. "Fine. See you after?"

Geoff flashed a gentle smile and nodded in confirmation. "I'll be here for you when you're done."

He sat there another moment, searching for a way out of it, then sighed again as he got out with a wave and made his way into the church. He felt entirely out of his element as he entered the basement room Mikey told him about. He stood near the door at first, watching people mill about until his eyes landed on the coffee station and he went to make himself a cup with shaking hands. As he finished he heard a bell ding and a hush fell over the room. 

He turned in confusion, a bit surprised to see Mikey sitting at the front of the room, and he hurried to find a seat. There was a moment of silence, followed by a lot of readings. Awsten was too scattered to focus on most of it. He sipped his coffee, drifting in and out of awareness before one line of the reading caught his attention. 

"One: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable." 

That was all Awsten could think about in that moment, turning the phrase over in his mind until Mikey's voice broke through his thoughts. 

"Alright, so, I'm Mikey and I'm an alcoholic. I have a few questions I like to ask. These aren't meant to embarrass anybody, I'd just like to get to know everyone better. Is this anyone's first AA meeting ever in life?"

Awsten could swear the bassist was staring right at him and he wanted to hide. He glanced around the silent, unmoving room before raising a shaking hand. He felt like his blood ran cold as Mikey pointed at him and every eye locked on him. "I'm... Uh... My name's Awsten," he stated, feeling tense as everyone continued to stare. They wanted him to finish the phrase. They wanted him to announce himself an alcoholic but he refused.

Eventually they all caught on and there was a startling burst of applause as voices rang out, "Welcome, Awsten!" He caught Mikey's eye and the other waved him to the front of the room. He made his way on shaking legs, practially numb as the other hugged him and pressed a cold, white coin into his hand.   
He pratically scurried back to his seat before he even looked at it. On one side was a triangle and text announcing 24 hours. The other side had a lot more text and he strained to focus enough to read it. 

_God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference._

Awsten read the words several times before slipping the coin into his pocket and taking a deep, desperate breath. This was intense.


End file.
